Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
