dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
