He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
