just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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