The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
