Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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