Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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