Sponge bath it is.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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