Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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