You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
