Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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