I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
