I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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