I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
