That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Im part way to drunk.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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