Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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