I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
