I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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