ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
thus making me awesome and them whores
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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