just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
