i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
