Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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