I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
