mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
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I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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