Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
