Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
