Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Couch. On fire.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
