walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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