She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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