Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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