we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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