Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
