I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
