i jhust puked up my retainher.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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