I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
