Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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