I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
