On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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