Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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