Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
