I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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