we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
