my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
