i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
