I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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