i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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