Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
