I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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