im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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