dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
