my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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