you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
