Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
