Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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