Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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