Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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