I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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