remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
